Tears of Red
by avidfan23
Summary: All the times Teresa Lisbon never shed a tear.


**Author's Note: References to Red John's footsteps, Red Badge, and His Red Right Hand. Please, please, please review! Any comments and suggestions are very much appreciated!**

**Disclaimer: not mine**

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The knock on the door came unexpectedly. It was her father who had answered it and allowed the two uniformed police officers to enter their home.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," they started sympathetically.

The next few days passed as a blur with more tears than young Teresa Lisbon could ever remember crying in her short life. After the funeral she realized that at the age of twelve, she now had to become the maternal figure for her younger brothers, and as such had to be strong for them. Her tears showed weakness and no matter how much she wanted to cry it would never bring their mother back.

"Get up!" the loud voice echoed through the otherwise silent room. "Move your lazy butt now. This house needs to be spotless by morning! C'mon, g-g-get going, you don't have… all night." He finished with a stutter before making his way across the room and proceeding to yank back the covers on the bed where his daughter lay.

"Please… don't wake the boys," she pleaded with him. Her father had been coming home drunk with an alarming frequency and so young Teresa Lisbon was not at all surprised when she was pulled from her bed for the umpteenth night. Her attempt at protecting her brothers only earned her a slap across the face and when she fell back against the wall, her father glared at her expectantly. She brought her hand up to her stinging cheek and took a deep breath before pulling herself to her feet. She would not cry, she promised herself, whatever happened she would not cry.

Quickly she donned her housecoat and slipped past her father before he had the chance to hit her again. She made sure that the door to her brothers' room was firmly shut before grabbing the dust rag and setting to work while her dad passed out on her bed, preventing her from catching the precious few hours of sleep she so desired. She worked through the night, pressing her lips tightly together in the attempt to keep the tears at bay while the dark bags under her eyes worsened. She couldn't wait until she was able to leave this house forever, but she worried about what would happen to her brothers when she left.

As it turned out, Lisbon never had to find out. Two weeks later, after she had finished her nightly chores, she had gone into her father's room to wake him for work only to find him passed out in an alcohol induced coma. He never woke up. As her brothers sobbed around her at the funeral, she kept her promise to herself; she did not cry.

As the years passed she found that she was growing stronger as a person; she was better able to keep her emotions in check. This led her to discover that she had a passion for helping people and in time she found herself at the graduation ceremony for the police academy. She was thrilled that she had managed not only make it through the intense training where because of her age, size, and gender the odds were against her, but she managed to be the top of her class as well. Her peers all cried tears of joy as they received their awards and went off to start their new lives in the workforce, but Teresa Lisbon stood strong and never shed a tear, she just smiled brilliantly instead.

She worked with the San Francisco Police Department for a year before she was taken under the wing of Inspector Samuel Bosco. He quickly became her mentor and protector and he pushed her to her limits so that she could achieve her personal best. The first few years on the job were hard with a lot of menial jobs cast her way, but Bosco respected her talent and natural flair for the job. She didn't cry the first time she came up on a body but rather doubled her efforts to find the killer.

She grew to be respected for her hard work and dedication and was offered a prestigious job as an agent of the California Bureau of Investigation which she graciously accepted. She was sad to leave her friends and mentor but she was excited about the prospect of advancing in her career, something by which she was beginning to define herself.

The day before she was set to leave Bosco found her sitting in a café across from the precinct, alone. He wandered in and sat down across from her. Her eyes were downcast and she didn't look up as he made to join her, quickly grasping her hand from across the table.

"What's the matter?" He asked, concerned. She looked up and he was surprised to see that her eyes were completely dry. He had expected some sort of emotion, but he knew that she never let anyone in to her emotional side, not even him.

"Oh, it's nothing," she started. "I'm just tired, moving and all…"

He moved his hand up to her shoulder and she blushed slightly. "You will do amazing things in California. I can't think of anyone who deserves this job as much as you do." Her blush deepened at his kind words and she knew that she would miss her mentor greatly. Her taxi honked and she quickly gathered her things and started to head outside before Bosco cleared his throat and she turned back around to look at him, dropping her bags as she did so.

As she hugged Bosco goodbye she maintained her composure even though he looked as though there were still many things that he would like to say to her. She climbed into the cab that would take her to the airport and as she turned to watch him until she was out of sight she felt the familiar waves of sadness wash over her. A lump formed in her throat but she swallowed hard and focused on what her future held for her.

The move to California proved to be a good thing for Lisbon. She quickly advanced through the Bureau until she became a senior agent and had her own team of skilled investigators. She met with one snag when Minelli called her into his office one morning only to let her know that he was assigning ex-psychic Patrick Jane to her unit. She had heard of the man before and knew of his family tragedy and although she was less than pleased about her boss doing this to her, she was willing to give Patrick Jane a chance because she thought that she might be able to help him.

After he had finished informing Lisbon of her newest addition, Minelli ushered Jane into the room where he quickly made himself comfortable on Minelli's couch and flashed Lisbon one of his brightest smiles.

"Agent Lisbon, I presume?" She turned and glared at him, clearly not approving of his apparent lack of professionalism.

"Correct. And you must be the infamous Patrick Jane." It was more of a statement than a question but it earned a puzzled look from the new consultant.

"Infamous?" He asked. Lisbon was quite pleased that she seemed to have taken the clearly arrogant man lying across from her down a notch. She nodded before rising to her feet and glancing at Minelli, seeking a visual confirmation that she was free to go and get back to work. He confirmed and once she was at the door she turned back to Jane and looked at him expectantly.

"Are you coming?" she asked. He got up and trotted after her excitedly leaving her wondering what she had just gotten herself into.

As the cases progressed, Lisbon found herself growing more and more irritated with the behaviour of her consultant and his apparent disregard for the rules and for the safety and well being of her team. Several times she found herself sitting at her desk filling out the paperwork that his actions had caused her and several times she wanted to smack her head against the desk out of frustration. Through all the sleepless nights and legal battles she never let her emotions get the better of her and was proud at the tough exterior that she had managed to make for herself.

Over time Lisbon found herself being drawn in by Patrick Jane's Charisma and charm but unlike everyone else, she never let him get away with things because of it. She was a firm believer in the rules and she made sure that he was as in line with them as it was possible for him to be. She stood by him during all of his self-deprecating spells and when Red John returned to taunt him she never wavered. She felt like it was her responsibility to protect him not only from others but also from himself.

Sometime in May they received a big break that would lead them to Red John at last but he slipped through their grasp once again. Jane was furious that Lisbon would rather save Jane's life than let him die and be led to Red John by Sheriff Hardy. Lisbon almost lost it, she had had enough of his childish behaviour and she told him so.

"I don't think you mean what you say. I think you choose life." She told him angrily. He turned back to her before responding.

"Well you think wrong." Lisbon could not believe what she was hearing; she'd had enough of this. She could barely keep her voice from shaking as she spat out her next words.

"No. No, you think wrong. Can't you see that there are people who care about you, who need you? You're being selfish and childish and I want you to stop it." She had to take a couple of breaths to steady herself, she would not cry, especially in front of Jane. He seemed to sense her building emotions and he tried to calm her down by explaining himself.

He kept his eyes cast down as he spoke. "I wish that I could, but you know some things you just can't fix. You needn't be angry; it's just the way of the world."

She was shocked when Jane killed his one lead to Red John just to save her life. She didn't have time to think of anything while she was staring down the barrel of a gun, she never felt anything. As the waves of shock passed over her after the fact she just wanted to let go, but she had a job to do so she put on her mask again and carried on.

If there was one thing that Teresa Lisbon valued, it was her job. She had used it to define herself and her worth for as long as she could remember and when she had almost lost it, she felt her world crashing in around her. What made matters worse was the presence of her former mentor in her life once again and the fact that he just wasn't capable of treating her as anything more than his subordinate. The case started out ordinarily enough but it took a definite turn for the worse when her fingerprints were found on the magazine of the murder weapon used to kill William McTeer, the convicted serial child rapist whom she had sent down several years previously. As she sat on the couch in Minelli's office being questioned by both Minelli and Bosco, her mind raced and emotions coursed through her body. She felt terribly betrayed at the thought that both her boss and former mentor thought her capable of murdering someone in cold blood. The trouble was, she could not remember whether or not she had and that thought scared her more than anything.

She had eventually and reluctantly agreed to take a polygraph in the hope that it would prove her innocence and it was Minelli who personally gave her the results just as she was about to testify in a case for the Deputy AG.

"You failed the poly, Agent Lisbon. 'Significant indications of deception,' they say. You're relieved of duty, Agent. Report to admin for processing."

Lisbon could feel the glare of the deputy AG who was standing next to her. She watched Minelli turn and start to walk away before she called after him. "Boss!"

He turned back slightly as he replied, "Don't." He continued to walk away, leaving Lisbon with the Deputy AG. She could feel the tears building in her eyes but she could not, would not let them fall here at the CBI headquarters. She wandered off, feeling incredibly lost and confused.

A short while later, Lisbon found herself in Dr. Carmen's office, telling him about her childhood and her abusive father. She felt so desperate to retrieve her memories that she was willing to try just about anything, even if she did not entirely trust the man. As she stood in the corner near the bookshelf with her hands in her pockets she could not help as the moisture built up in her eyes. She bit her tongue furiously trying to keep the tears at bay. Crying would not make anything better; it would not prove her innocent nor would it give her her job back.

Eventually Lisbon felt that she had exhausted all of her options. She wasn't even sure if she could classify this as the worst day of her life, but it certainly was ranking up there. She fought so hard to stay in control throughout it all but now her only choice was to surrender her mind to Patrick Jane in the hope that he might be able to help her. As he entered her house she started to worry that he might learn more about her than she had bargained for.

It turned out that even Patrick Jane could not help her. Lisbon stood up in a panic and shakily walked away from him as she fought back the tears that were imminent. She failed and berated herself silently for showing weakness, especially in front of him. In order to save herself somewhat she made him promise not to tell the team about this, and she knew that he would keep that promise. She watched him leave as she wiped her eyes and got ready to move forward and figure out what her life outside the CBI would be like.

It surprised her slightly when she heard a knock on the door and she opened it to find Jane leaning up against the frame, looking thoughtful. He had an idea that might be able to help her turn things around. Lisbon found it so much easier to publicly display her emotions when she knew it was an act, even if she felt that there might be some small truths to the things that she said.

She had thought that having Sam Bosco back in her life would make things complicated and it did at first, but as the time went by she found comfort in the fact that there was someone who had known her for just about as long as she'd been a cop. He knew things about her that no one else knew and he'd always looked out for her with her best interests in mind. Her heart stopped the morning that she walked into his office to find his team and him lying in a mangled, bloody mess on the ground. She jumped into emergency response mode and tried to stop his bleeding and perform CPR in the hope that he would live. During this time her mind flashed back to several of the moments that they had shared a few days previously and she hoped and prayed with all her heart that he would live to share some more of those moments.

She spent all of her energy trying to apprehend the culprit only to find out that it was Red John and his accomplice, Rebecca. The thought that someone within the CBI could have done this sickened her to no end and she hoped that Red John was not an employee because she didn't know how she or Jane would deal with it. When she was not working, Lisbon spent all of her spare time at the hospital by Bosco's bedside. His condition was going continuously downhill and when there was very little time left, Lisbon mustered up the courage to finally fill him in on his predicament. She looked at him as he struggled with his thoughts. He looked at her with mixed emotions before he spoke.

"I'm gonna say it then. The doctors had better be right. I love you, Teresa."

Lisbon's head was swimming. Had she just heard him correctly? She had always known that they had left many things unsaid when she left the SFPD but she didn't think that was one of them. She looked into his eyes and saw that he meant what he said. Her heart clenched as she answered him.

"I love you too." She had surprised herself by what she had just admitted. He was married after all. Once again she felt the pressure building up behind her eyes but she had to stay strong, for him.

"No. I mean, I love you." He clarified and his words shocked her just as much the second time and it made her sadder inside to think that he didn't think that she felt the same way.

"I know what you mean," she said. Lisbon looked down, trying to hide the building tears as Bosco continued.

"It had to be said." She nodded as Jane came into the room. A short while later Bosco died and Teresa was stuck feeling like a part of her heart had ripped out of her body. It was such a painful feeling and the last time she remembered feeling like this was when her mom died so many years ago. Jane tried to comfort her, but nothing he said really helped. She didn't cry when Bosco died, but rather she retreated into herself and that, in a sense, felt even worse.

She experienced a second major blow in the short space of time since Bosco died and this was the retirement of Minelli. Lisbon had grown to see him as the father that she never had and he obviously viewed her as a surrogate daughter. She felt broken and abandoned when he announced his retirement to her. As she hugged him goodbye she realized that it had been a long time since she had felt this alone. She had just lost the two people who meant the most to her in the space of a couple of hours.

Months had passed and cases came and went. She wasn't sure when it happened, but eventually she stopped seeing Patrick Jane as the proverbial thorn in her side but rather as someone who cared about her and someone to whom she could vent her frustrations. It only seemed natural that one night as he was walking by her office he saw her with her bottom desk drawer open; it appeared as though she was contemplating continuing the tequila tradition that she and Bosco had shared. He thought that she had seemed more sad and withdrawn than usual and he wanted to talk to her and assure her that everything was going to be alright.

She looked up as Jane knocked on her door. She silently waved him inside where he sat down on her couch. They sat in a comfortable silence for a while before she broke the silence.

"How do you do it?" She asked him. He looked up at her with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Do what?" he asked. She shrugged her shoulders before responding.

"Move on day to day with a smile on your face… not feel like screaming or breaking down?" She faltered at the concern swimming in his eyes. He obviously did not anticipate having this conversation with her. Ever. He opened his mouth to respond before shaking his head slightly, as if to rethink things and closing his mouth again. Lisbon shifted her position in her chair before mumbling a quick 'never mind' and turning back to her paperwork. After a couple of minutes she put her pen down and switched off her desk light before heading out of her office for the night. She decided that she would try to do what Jane did so well, put on a mask and pretend like everything was alright. Maybe if she pretended long enough, she would start to believe the lies she told herself.

She always knew that this day would always come. It was inevitable. The team had finally tracked down Red John and he was dead. It was Van Pelt who had shot him as he held a gun to Jane's head. Jane had stopped fighting, knowing that even if he died, Red John would be caught moments later. Lisbon could not stand to see that submissive look come over Jane's face as he stood there with a gun to his head with the serial killer sneering at him the whole time. Her heart almost stopped when she heard a gun shot but she was ever so thankful that it had been Van Pelt who had done the shooting since she was the only one with a clear shot at the serial killer. Red John fell to the ground, bleeding from the head while Jane knelt down beside him. Lisbon came up behind him and laid a hand on her shoulder as she breathed a sigh of relief.

Jane's desk had been cleared out the next day. He never said good-bye.

One night, a week after the death of Red John, Teresa Lisbon found herself sitting on her porch with a glass of tequila, staring up at the starry sky while a light breeze tousled her hair. 'It's over,' she thought to herself as the tears started to roll down her cheeks. Her thoughts drifted from Red John and her current case to her brothers and her parents and the childhood she had lost before taking a sharp turn to Bosco and Minelli and the life that she had built for herself before finally landing on Jane. She thought of the promise that she made to herself after her mother died, not to cry because crying wouldn't fix anything. She realized now that after so many years it was officially broken. She fingered the cross she wore around her neck as she took another shot of tequila. Hugging her legs to her chest she laid her forehead against her knees taking a few shallow breaths. She was surprised when she felt a pair of strong arms envelop her and pull her into a deep hug. She knew exactly who it was. She shifted her position so that she could bury her face into his suit vest as he held her tight.

And she cried.

**End**


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